Written by Kearin Green
This article was originally published in Pugwash Magazine on 23/12/2021. At the time, the author had not yet been diagnosed with ADHD, therefore some symptoms of this ADHD are described as anxiety below.
Anxiety is a part of my everyday life. It plays into my behaviour, my personality, into what I eat and how much I eat. It’s the reason I can’t stand still, because my head is about to explode. It boosts my excitement levels beyond normal, it’s why I like to move my hands to release my energy. It’s why I said something stupid that I will regret for the next month, even though you’ll probably forget about it within five minutes.
I am not my anxiety. I am myself, with a personality made of parts I’m proud of- but it’s definitely a bigger part of me than I want it to be.
Photo by Kearin Green
I’ve been living with Generalised Anxiety Disorder since I was ten years-old. At that age, I spent one of the worst weeks of my life in a state of terror after watching a film sequence where someone is buried alive. I began to believe I was going to be buried alive in my garden. This resulted in panic attacks, the inability to enjoy things as my entire body remained in a state of tension, and being unable to sleep alone as I feared the person who was going to lead me to my grave.
Whilst it has never returned to a state as severe as this, I still have anxiety. I am still living with a disorder which can sometimes have more control over me than seems possible. I will be living with this for the rest of my life. As much as it pains me to accept, it’s my reality.
Today, anxiety affects different parts of my everyday life. I am a perfectionist in my work, for one, and maybe the most brutal critic I could ask for. I have body image issues and eating patterns engraved in my psyche. I believe at times that everyone around me hates me and that I shouldn’t be allowed to merge with the outside world. I’ve turned down opportunities, and worried that the things I want to do in life might disappear because I won’t be up for it. I’ve cancelled social events because the thought of spending time with people and leaving my bubble has left me in panic. I have absolute dread about what the future holds.
But I’m still here. I get up, tired after a riveting night out with my friends at Indie Night, and join my 9am Zoom lecture. I got in the shower and got dressed afterwards, unlike two weeks before, when I was sinking in my own boiling melancholy. I shake myself out- my hands, my legs- and sing along to a The Smiths song I adore, like the Student Wellbeing Service has taught me to do. I remember that my refill antidepressants are waiting at the pharmacy for me. I gather my things, place my Airpods in my ears, and turn on Deezer shuffle as I prepare to leave and enter a world I sometimes find too overbearing.
But today is okay. I got through a horrible day which turned into a horrible week I thought I would never come out of without flickering wires, broken in half. I am 100% capable of facing today, and tomorrow, and every second which passes as I write this. I know this for certain.
I am not alone in this chronic fight between the walls of my head. Living with anxiety is not living for your anxiety, it’s putting your anxiety on a leash and training it so you can live the life you aspire to live, and not let it drag you through the mud.
I need you to know that you’re not alone. There is so much love and care in this world which we like to call shallow and sadistic. There is so much empathy that I am constantly surprised by. It’s not always easy to find it, but it could be closer to you than you think.
If you are affected by any of the issues discussed in this article, support is available from the Student Wellbeing Service and Mind.
About The Author: Kearin Green (she/her)
Hi, I’m Kearin and I am the magazine’s Welfare Officer! I am a second year Film Production student and am currently committed to using our support platform to give mental health a louder voice at our university. I also write about cinema, political issues, humour pieces and whatever comes to mind.
(This piece was edited by Amber Turner-Brightman)
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