by Ana Patrulescu
I know what you’re thinking: here comes another Carrie Bradshaw wannabe, thinking she knows all there is to navigate the turbulent and confusing journey of love. Well, in all honesty, I would love to think of myself as effortlessly single and fabulous as our favourite New York Observer columnist. However, in contrast, my love life feels like a collage of painful, embarrassing, and, at times, amazing, silly little moments all rolled into one.
In all love stories and romcoms, there’s a heavy emphasis on what is ‘meant to be’. You can tell from the first time you see a character on screen that they are ‘the one’ for the protagonist. As the viewer, you get the chance to experience the same ‘love at first sight’ feeling as the main character. It’s exciting. It’s intoxicating. These two attributes make love, both on-screen and in real life, the most addictive drug there is. Why do we want what we can’t have? Why do we run away from people who would be perfect for us? Yet, we still constantly search for ‘true love’, or at least for what other people would consider that to be.
I ask myself these questions every day, and in my attempt to document my findings and experiences, I will take you with me. Maybe my journey to finding love will help people relate and feel less alone throughout their journeys too. If not, then I hope they will at least be entertained by it.
My first love was not what you’d think. Although I hate to admit it, my first love was an unanswered one. In typical teen fashion, the appeal of a ‘bad boy’ clouded my judgement; leading me to believe that we could really be something. Of course, this was not the case. I very quickly found out that I was just his flavour of the week, with my best friend being the flavour he chose next. It was truly eye-opening to see how guys can easily act like they want something when in reality, they want the complete opposite.
I know some of you will think ‘But real men don’t do that, only boys do’. I have a friend, let’s call him Steve, who spent most of his 30s miserable in a relationship he knew was going nowhere. Why? He was more afraid of being alone while looking for the real deal than spending his life with the wrong person. Needless to say, that didn’t last very long, and their relationship came to an abrupt end when he got bored of pretending.
This isn’t supposed to be some sob story about how my love life has been a disaster from the start, if anything this is a justification for my obsession with love. I have been an addict since day one. My heart saw the opportunity to feel something and I held onto it like I hold onto the edge of the bath after a rough Saturday night. And since then, every boyfriend I’ve had, every guy I dated for a bit; hoping he’s the one. Every situationship that ended up being a waste of time. It all makes me wonder: when is it time to admit that being addicted to love and finding love are two different things?
As women, we are hardwired to seek love and have it as an ultimate goal in our lives. Is that an actual obstacle to us finding our true soulmates? Maybe we need to learn how to be whole before we start looking for an ‘other half’.
What is love? Is it healthy?
Love. L-O-V-E. What is it about this strange emotion that makes us lose all composure? Typically, matters of the heart and the brain mix just about as well as water and oil do; with one always rising to the surface and overpowering the other. If your mind wins, the heart gets suffocated at the bottom. However, if the heart wins, your mind is forced to keep its feelings of doubt buried deep. It feels like a losing battle at times.
There is one instance where water and oil go well together though, this being when cooking with said ingredients. Yes, it gets messy; oil splashes everywhere, you might get hurt. Yet, when the food is done, you finally get to enjoy every single bite of it. Not all recipes turn out as planned, I must admit. There must be a perfect balance between the mind and the heart in order for the relationship to be worth it. As someone famous among her group of friends for being an overthinker, I have learnt to allow my heart to take over from time to time, resulting in putting my overworked, pretty, little brain to rest.
Love is not supposed to feel like a test or exam you have to constantly study for or hence fail. Love is like a puzzle. Beautifully complex in the simplest of ways. If the puzzle doesn’t have enough pieces, it’s not stimulating enough, we get bored and walk away. We equally feel the need to walk away if the puzzle has too many pieces. As long as the puzzle is simple yet just challenging enough, we will keep on doing it over and over again, with the same passion and excitement as the first time we completed it.
How do we know if it’s healthy? The answer to this slightly differs from person to person. I don’t feel I can answer the question myself, as I continue to search for ‘the one’. What I know so far is that true love is kind, unconditional and forgiving, with a hint of selfishness and disagreement. Those words are not to be used negatively but rather to represent one’s individuality in a relationship. Like I said, we need to be whole before looking for an ‘other half ’. Every individual has so much to bring to the table when choosing to merge their lives with someone else’s. Disagreements are bound to happen, naturally, and as mentioned previously, they are challenges that keep us on our toes. They serve to remind us that despite being in a pair we are still individuals, different in many ways yet still choosing to be together. There is no perfect relationship or partner. There’s only what’s considered ‘perfect’ for you. Everyone’s definition of healthy will differ, and it will most likely depend on their personality, attachment style and, dare I say, sexual persona. Authentic and healthy love feels safe, always leaving you wanting more until the end of time.
(This article was edited by Kearin Green)
About the Author
My name is Ana, and I've always been fascinated with the way people express their feelings. Having studied psychology in the past I have a soft spot for analysing the complex nature of people's emotions. I study business, but in my spare time, I read, write, and work. And in between all that I fantasize about love (a hopeless romantic, I know).